Fredo, you poor dumb bastard (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 8)

trump fredo.pngThe following is a transcript of secret recordings made in the Oval Office by President Donald Trump using recording devices installed by President Richard Nixon.

*taptaptap*

PRESIDENT TRUMP:
Is this thing on? Are we rolling? Good. Tricky Dick, I gotta hand it to you. [inaudible]-ing thing is a work of art. The playback is so scratchy and [inaudible] can do whatever you want with it.

Okay, Shiela here’s the memo:

To: Trump Circle of Trust
cc: DNI Dan Coats, Don, Jr., Kim Jong Un

PRESIDENT TRUMP:
Fellas, as you all know there is nothing I like better than my executive time in the morning. I do some of my best tweeting then. I’m telling you, this Twitter is going to save our bacon in the election. If Reagan had an unfiltered channel direct to his base like this that forces your message into tiny little bonbons, he’d have gotten a third term.

Of course, by then ole’ Ronnie really wasn’t in any shape to serve a third term. But I think the point still stands.

What so many don’t understand is that a successful tweet requires message discipline and balance. Look at this beauty:

Boom. I got Fake News, said I was NOT worried about Junior, said the meeting was a dud AND I didn’t know about it. That’s a thing of beauty. I’m serious. It should hang in a museum. No! Wait! It should hang in MY museum.

Sheila? Get a note out to whoever is working on my presidential library: “Gallery of Tweets.”

Where was I?

*Muffled sounds of arguing in the outer office. Raised voices. Bumping against the door.*

DONALD TRUMP JR:
[Inaudible]-ing door, Sheila! I need to speak to my father.

DONALD TRUMP:
What’s going on? What’s all this then? Junior? What are you doing out of bed before 10:30? I figured you and whichever Fox News broad you’re banging would be cuddled together watching “Fox & Friends.”

DONALD TRUMP JR:
You’ve [inaudible]-ed me, Pop! What [inaudible]-king do? Why did you tweet that the meeting was about getting dirt on Hillary?

DONALD TRUMP:
It wasn’t?

DONALD TRUMP JR:
Not if I’m going to stay out of jail for lying to Congress about it. Remember? We all got on the phone and came up with a cover story? You dictated a statement for me to [inaudible]. Russian adoption? Remember?

DONALD TRUMP:
Wait. I remember talking to Putin about Russian adoption at the G-something-or-other.

DONALD TRUMP JR:
You were on your way home from that trip. Hope Hicks assured everyone that the emails from that meeting would never get out.

DONALD TRUMP:
Where is Hope? I haven’t seen her around? Sheila? Give Hope a call and find out when she’s coming off maternity leave or whatever.

DONALD TRUMP JR:
Dad, I need you to focus. You told me on the phone to say the meeting was about Russian adoption. So I did.

DONALD TRUMP:
I told you that?

DONALD TRUMP JR:
Yes, dad. You said the emails were never going to come out so I should just say the meeting was about Russian adoptions and it was a big waste of time.

DONALD TRUMP:
And I didn’t know about it.

DONALD TRUMP JR:
And I didn’t tell you anything about it. By the way, what’s up with Rudy spilling the beans about the planning pre-meeting before the meeting.

DONALD TRUMP:
That I ALSO knew nothing about.

DONALD TRUMP JR:
So I stick with the plan. I [inaudible] before the congressional committees. I was a good [inaudible] and you just fu[inaudible] over.

DONALD TRUMP:
I don’t follow.

DONALD TRUMP JR:
That tweet you just tweeted!

DONALD TRUMP:
Beautiful, right? Such message discipline.

DONALD TRUMP JR:
You said the meeting was about getting dirt on Hillary, not Russian adoptions. I’m on the record as saying it was about adoptions.

DONALD TRUMP:
But you’re also on the record saying I didn’t know anything about it.

DONALD TRUMP JR:
*sigh* Yes.

DONALD TRUMP:
So I’m not seeing the problem.

*Door slams*
*muffled scream of “I hate you!”*

DONALD TRUMP:
*yelling at door*
I WASN’T THE ONE WHO REPLIED “I LOVE IT” TO AN EMAIL MARKED “RUSSIA, CLINTON, PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.”

DONALD TRUMP:
Now then, where was I? Sheila? Make a note for Jared to send Junior a fruit basket.

Dan Coats, stop getting cute in public. I know you don’t know what went on in my meeting with Vladimir. You know you don’t know what went on in my meeting with Vladimir. No one else needs to know that. Certainly not Andrea Mitchell. So keep your ignorance to yourself. Be more like me.

Wilbur, $120 million? Really? You stole $120 million from your business partners? I know none of that was my money. Right? Right?

Mr. Magoo, Have you sent Mueller packing yet? I gave you a direct order:

I don’t care if you’re recused. Unrecuse. I don’t care what Giuliani told you — the man’s a Muppet.

*buzzing noise*

Wait a minute. My Google News Alert for Junior just went off. Let’s see . . . called the Democrats “Nazis.” Well, that’s not going to make the base happy. I don’t like him hanging out with D’Souza though. That’s the kind of thing that can violate your probation. Maybe we should get him on a friendly outlet to blow off some steam. Sheila? See if Laura Ingraham can squeeze Junior in this week. Just be sure we’ve got someone there to pull the ripcord if Junior gets squirrelly.

Sheila? Can you tell Jared to cancel the fruit basket for Kim Jong Un?

Where is Ivanka? I have a Trump signet ring I wanted to give her. My dad gave it to me when I lost my first Trump-branded business. I want to pass it along to her now that she’s shut down her clothing line.  I wonder if she’s considered that people stopped buying her clothes when they found out she was Jewish? Ugh. Why did you marry Jared? You could have married Tom Brady! I could have watched Tom Brady play catch with my grandson instead of watching him pretend to be “daddy” by soliciting foreign investments in that dog of a building on 5th Ave.

My vacation is almost over. Miller? When I get back, I want you to walk me through your latest idea for ensuring my racist voters will fall in line.

Finally, Betsy. I want to thank you for being the one cabinet member who doesn’t seem to be sticking me with the bill for flying around the country getting yelled at. Now that Pruitt is out, they’ll be coming for Zinke next. But you just keep picking up the tab. Nice. That Amway stuff must really being paying out. Plus, your whites are brighter than any other cabinet secretary. How about shipping me some of that SA8?

 

 

Advertisements