What follows is a transcript of secret recordings made in the Oval Office by President Trump using the recording devices first placed there by President Richard Nixon. President Trump often uses these recordings to arrange his thoughts and the transcripts are distributed to his underlings so that they have a record of his directives and so that he might review the tapes and remember what he asked his staff to do that they ignored.
To: The Trump Circle of Trust
CC: no one but my children
Okay, I assume we’re rolling here. Sheila, when you hear this, I want you to transcribe it, then take that red pill I gave you so that you don’t remember what I said. It is imperative that only the Trump Circle of Trust gets these messages.
Vladimir, I want to start by complimenting you on the amazing head job you did on Rand Paul. I have no idea what you have on that son-of-a-bitch but he has completely turned around and is now 100 percent on the Trump Train. Спасибо Mr. President. Like all right-thinking Americans, he understands that I can’t have a mole in my administration going around writing amonmus . . . uh amon-y-mous . . . amoney-yous editorials in the Failing New York Times.
That reminds me, Sheila? Where’s my copy of the Failing New York Times? You know I need it on my desk every morning before I have my first Diet Coke of the day. I want to read what Liz Smith thinks about Bob Woodward’s book about me.
What? Liz is dead? When did that happen? Last November? What have I been pretending to read for the last ten months? Never mind. Get me the Times.
What was I saying? Oh yeah. The mole. I am confident we’ll find out who it is. I’ll put Niedermeyer on it. He’s a sneaky little shit. Better yet, let’s get our own mole inside the administration to write an ammonia op-ed for the Failing New York Times. This one will tell the truth about what’s going on here. Sarah? I want you to tell Raj to write an amoeba-mass op-ed about how I won 306 Electrical College votes when everyone said there was no path to 270. I’d tell him myself but I don’t like talking to brown people who aren’t famous. Tell him to mention how I’m doing better than any other president ever has. Don’t forget to mention that I’m more popular than any Republican president in history. Show them the Abe Lincoln polls that Kelly Anne told me absolutely exist. Hold on a sec:
Thank you to all of my great supporters, really big progress being made. Other countries wanting to fix crazy trade deals. Economy is ROARING. Supreme Court pick getting GREAT REVIEWS. New Poll says Trump, at over 90%, is the most popular Republican in history of the Party. Wow!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 10, 2018
That’s better. Can you believe that? I’m more popular than Honest Abe?
Boy, that was some rally in Montana last night, right? There are only like 14 people who live in Montana and there must have been four million in that crowd. I don’t know. 4 million, maybe 5. We had so many people there we had to have them sit behind me in shifts. Amazing.
At Trump’s Montana rally, some of his supporters seemed irritated. Some seemed unenthusiastic and even bored.
Is this why multiple supporters were swapped out? pic.twitter.com/NVlnK2zV19
— Rantt Media (@RanttMedia) September 7, 2018
There might have been more people in that crowd than were at my Inauguration. I’m pretty sure I hit all the talking points Sarah wanted me to. I don’t remember much of it because I usually go into a fugue state about ten minutes in. I’m pretty sure I remembered to mention that guy who beat up the reporter and then lied to the police about it. Great guy. A real fighter.
Did I mention Hannity? I promised Sean I’d give him a shout out.
What about Kim Jong Un? I had a note in my pocket reminding me to mention all the great things he says about me but I can’t read it. My handwriting is just too presidential for even me to read.
Hey, Gen. Kelly, How are we coming along on finding out the name of the coward who wrote that Bob Woodward book? It is a shame what happened to Bob. He’s written so many good books going all the way back to Nixon — to be brainwashed by the Deep State just in time to write about me, the greatest president ever — it’s sad, really. Why didn’t anyone tell me someone was writing a fake Bob Woodward book?
I haven’t been watching the hearings because they aren’t about me. How is the Kavanaugh thing going? Good, right? I mean who cares, really. Mitch broke the system and now I can appoint anyone I want to the Supreme Court. It wouldn’t matter if he committed perjury, said he wouldn’t recuse himself on the phony Russia thing like that retard Sessions did, had a woman sitting behind him flashing a White Power sign, or I don’t know, tried to stop Hillary Clinton from getting funding for 9/11 victims. He was a shoe-in the minute Jared paid off his credit cards.
That’s what I love about this country. A boy from the mean streets of Bethesda, Maryland can grow up to one day be involved in one of the most corrupt administrations in American history and then get appointed to the Supreme Court by the greatest president ever. Sarah? Tell Raj to put that in his amoral-moose op-ed. That sounds great.
So guys, I’m thinking I should burn something Nike. But it should be big, you know? Maybe I could burn down the Nike Store in Trump Tower? No. Wait. I forgot those sprinklers are hot glued to the ceiling in that building. I think the NBC guys put them up.
Hey, that’s too bad about Burt Reynolds. He was a hell of a guy. Sheila? Get me Loni Anderson’s number. She might need some comforting. Maybe I could take her furniture shopping or something.
[End of Recording]