Operation Sketchbook: (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 7)

trump courtroom sketch

[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompass the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Majority Leader Mitch McConell

As all of you should know by now, I don’t watch CNN anymore. I think I made that clear to the AP when they were here this week. Where is it? Here: (sound of second tape recorder button clicking)

TRUMP: OK. The one thing I’ve learned to do that I never thought I had the ability to do. I don’t watch CNN anymore.

AP: You just said you did.

TRUMP: No. No, I, if I’m passing it, what did I just say (inaudible)?

AP: You just said —

TRUMP: Where? Where?

AP: Two minutes ago.

TRUMP: No, they treat me so badly. No, I just said that. No, I, what’d I say, I stopped watching them. But I don’t watch CNN anymore. I don’t watch MSNBC. I don’t watch it.

(recording ends)

So I was passing by CNN and noticed Sean was looking less fat. I was thinking that maybe we could put him back on camera, but then Steve pointed out that it was just a drawing by a CNN sketch artist. It was such a beautiful drawing I couldn’t get over it. So I got my own courtroom sketch artist. I like how honest he is about my hairline and number of chins. I’m thinking we just use this guy from now on: Operation Sketchbook. We can get him to draw me standing behind the podium and we’ll blow it up and stand it up there. The dishonest media can shout questions at it then go write their fake news.

Speaking of “fake news,” what about my big reveal on the Comey tapes? Pretty fantastic, right? Sean Hannity loved it. Wait. I’ve got that (button press)

SEAN HANNITY (HOST): I’m sorry, this was one of the most brilliant, strategic, doubt-inducing, mind-messing tweets in the history of mankind, because he basically said to Comey, “Well, if there’s tapes, you’re in trouble with the deep state,” it was also a nice shot at them. 

Ha ha ha. Oh and Fox and Friends thought it was pretty brilliant, too. I mean everybody is saying what a great Tweet it was. (click)

AINSLEY EARHARDT (CO-HOST): Big news today. You said you didn’t tape [former FBI Director] James Comey. Do you want to explain that? Why did you want him to believe you possibly did that? 

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Well I didn’t tape him. You never know what’s happening when you see that the Obama administration, and perhaps longer than that, was doing all of this unmasking and surveillance. And you read all about it and I’ve been reading about it for the last couple of months about the seriousness and horrible situation with surveillance all over the place. And you’ve been hearing the word “unmasking,” a word you probably never heard before. So you never know what’s out there, but I didn’t tape and I don’t have any tape and I didn’t tape. But, when he found out that there may be tapes out there, whether it’s governmental tapes or anything else, and who knows, I think his story may have changed. I mean, you’ll have to take a look at that because then he has to tell what actually took place at the events. And my story didn’t change. My story was always a straight story. My story was always the truth. But you’ll have to determine for yourself whether or not his story changed. But, I did not tape. 

EARHARDT: That was a smart way to make sure he stayed honest in those hearings. 

TRUMP: Well, it wasn’t very stupid, I can tell you that. He did admit that what I said was right. And if you look further back, before he heard about that, I think maybe he wasn’t admitting that, so, you’ll have to do a little investigative reporting to determine that. But, I don’t think it’ll be that hard.

See? The honesty is really striking, right? Why can’t they get that over at CNN? It’s a disaster over there. What did I ever do to Jake Tapper? I mean who cares, right? I never said I had tapes. I just waited for 41 days to say I didn’t have tapes. I’m busy. I got a lot of things on my plate. Sheila? What’s for lunch? No. I want one of those shark steak sandwiches like Jeff Bridges got in that movie where he was president. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not going to eat that. Get me a QPC from McDonald’s. Extra ketchup.

Okay. So what was I talking about? Sheila? Sheila? She’s gone already? Man, she moves fast. She’s a go-getter, Sheila. I mean she’s really going and getting, right? That’s the way it works.

You know, the more I look at that sketch of me, the more I like it this Operation Sketchbook. We should all just not appear on camera anymore. Jared gets the idea. He’s off solving the Middle East thing and nobody even knows what he sounds like because he can keep his mouth shut. Jared, you’ll have to tell me how you managed to talk a journalist from the AP into deleting photos of you from his camera. That must have been some talk.

Whoever is covering Jared’s muffin basket duty while he’s bringing an end to a centuries-old conflict this weekend should send Jared a muffin basket. Wait. Never mind. He’s done.

Will somebody bring me something else to sign? What is taking so long with that health care bill? Are the Democrats being obstructionists again? Just pass something so I can sign it and tell everybody how great your “mean son of a bitch” bill is.  Mitch, you fixed all that right? You told me to leave it to you and I said “Happy to do it” because one less thing for me to do, right? But you fixed it, right? I’m sure it’s okay. Here’s an idea! Must credit Trump!

Send it over, I’ll sign it before you vote on it. What about that, huh? Is that a great idea or what? I sign the bill before you bring it to a vote and you can say, “Look, it’s a done deal. The president has already signed it, so you need to get on the right side of this thing or you’re going to be left behind.” I think that would be beautiful. Can you imagine the look on Chuck Schumer’s face? [laughter]

But seriously, send me some legislation to sign. It is the best part of this job, showing off for the cameras and . . . hmmm. That’s . . . that’s tough . . . Guys, I’m not sure Operation Sketchbook is going to work out. Let me think about it. I’ll let you know something in two weeks.

I’ve been hitting the Russia thing pretty hard on Twitter. You know, I had no idea when I took this job that so many people would turn on you so quickly. I was just saying to Nixon’s ghost the other night. Nixon’s ghost is a good friend of mine, let me tell you. He’s the one who told me to tweet about the Comey tapes. “Keeps everybody honest,” he said. Ole Honest Nixon, they used to call him. Good times.

Anyway, I was telling Nixon’s ghost, “Look, it is nobody’s business who I call or when I call them or what we talk about when I call. Don’t give me “Presidential Records Act” this or “You can’t block people on Twitter” that.” The president deserves a little privacy to yell at his lawyers. Nixon’s ghost agreed with me, except for the Twitter part. He died in 1994. He doesn’t know what Twitter is. But I believe 90 percent of the ghost presidents living in the White House would agree with me. If not 95 percent.

So I don’t want to read in the paper about me making my morning calls to my lawyers to get all my Russia yelling out early in the day. That’s my “me time.” The dishonest media shouldn’t be writing about that, I don’t care if it is true.

So I’ve pivoted on the Russia thing, now that I’ve figured out how to blame it on Obama. I don’t know if you noticed because it was such a subtle shift in tone:

Now:

Amazing, right? It was such a subtle pivot that no one is going to notice my tacit admission that Putin stuck his thumb on the scale. Well, Sheila noticed, but she’s a real go-getter. I wonder when she’s going to be a come-bringer-er soon? I’m starving here.

So I’m thinking about firing Mueller. I know firing Comey didn’t work out exactly as Jared said it would. But this time I don’t have to be the one firing him. I can order Rosenstein to do it. Or whoever’s next in line if Rosenstein isn’t loyal. Have we fixed that yet? Find me a Bork and let’s get this Saturday Night Massacre on the road!

Mueller can’t investigate me if he’s best friends with Comey! He can’t use lawyers who have donated to Democrats! He can’t keep expanding his investigation to include money laundering and racketeering. I didn’t sign off on that and you guys know me, I’ll sign anything. He’s going after my general, my campaign manager, my consigliere, my Jared and now me? Putin told me I don’t have to put up with it. He said if it were him, he’d be making a pot of polonium tea for Mueller. That’s not really my style. Maybe some polonium Diet Coke? I’ll ask ghost Nixon. He knows how to handle these special prosecutors.

 

Tapes? Who said anything about tapes? (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 6)

Trump - Nixon Ghost2[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Sen. Chuck Grassley

Okay, everyone let’s be clear. Officially, I am not taping myself talking to you. That’s not happening, okay? Also, I’m not taping each and every conversation I have with each of you. That’s also not happening. Are we clear? I don’t know what you’ve been reading in the fake news or my Twitter feed, but I’m not saying that I have tapes.

I mean okay, sure, there’s a console by my bed at Mar-a-Lago that allows me to listen in on phone conversations anywhere at the resort. But let’s be honest here. Who among us wouldn’t want to listen in on some of these guests? Have you seen the parade of trophy wives? Va va va voom, am I right? But I didn’t record them. I don’t think we even have the technology to tape phone calls, have we? Someone over at the CIA should get on that. Just be sure and tell them it was my idea. People don’t give me enough credit for the things I make up.

Now, about the Comey firing. I don’t get it. Why is that such a big deal? I mean do I have the power to fire him or don’t I? I do, right? And Democrats have been wanting me to fire him, right? Since day freaking one. They say he took the election away from Hillary with that letter. So why are they so mad that I took action? And who cares what the reason was? Hey, I’m an active president with a lot of plates spinning. You can’t expect normal people to keep up with me, much less the people dumb enough to want to work in my communications office. I could replace you all with Sheila from the Steno pool. At least she records what I’m saying accurately and can repeat it back to me. There’s an idea:

Sheila? How’s your transcribing arm? Good? Cause you might be getting called up to the majors.

So I fired a guy that I am legally allowed to fire and I don’t even have to have a reason. So why is everyone trying to make a federal case out of it? I mean, not that I’m projecting here, but he was a grandstander and a showboat. Normally, I like showboats. There’s a great one down in Nashville that makes a well-done steak like you wouldn’t believe.

Anyhoo, firing Comey should have been no big deal. It’s not like he was all that popular with the FBI. For one thing, he’s too tall. I don’t trust really tall people. It’s like they’re lording it over me. I’m the lord around here. I mean, have you seen the size of my television? That’s a presidential TV.

I mean how many times did we change our story yesterday? Sheila? You got a rundown? Uh-huh. So, first, it was on the recommendations from Sessions and Rosenstein. Then I told Lester Holt it was my idea to do it before I even met with them. That’s not bad. That can be chalked up to miscommunica . . . what? Oh. Then Mike Pence said it had nothing to do with the Russia investigation and I told Lester Holt that I was thinking about the Russia investigation. Again, no bigly deal. Pence was out of the loop. What? Then Kelly Ann went on CNN and said it had “zero” to do with the Russia investigation. Okay, first of all, who let Kelly Ann out of her office? Then what, Sheila? Spicey said it was all based on Rosenstein? Nobody believes what Sean Spicer has to say. Did he yell that out from behind the bushes? What about that other girl? The six that Huckabee sent over? She said I’d already made the decision after watching Comey testify, right? That’s close enough. The dishonest media doesn’t believe anything my people say anyway. They’re obsessed with catching them in lies. You’d think my communications staff was making a game of lying to the press.

Look, you and I and whoever is taping this all know that the Trump Russia story is a hoax right? Didn’t Comey tell me three times that I’m not under investigation? Didn’t Chuck Grassley say the Trump Russia story was a hoax? So, me firing Comey doesn’t change that. It just moves it along so we can stop talking about fake news Russia and go back to talking about the real scandal — Obama taping my conversations. Why is nobody talking about that story?

You know who should be mad about recorded conversations? Me. Who had their private locker-room talk recorded and then broadcast all over the world? Me. That was between me, Billy Bush, and the sound crew who wired us for mics shortly before we had that private conversation.

It’s not like I even like Russians anyway. Oooh, While I’m thinking about it, Jared? Send Eric a muffin basket with Vodka and rat poison. Write “Snitches get stitches on the card.” He’ll know what I’m talking about. What was I talking about? Sheila? The Russians! Right. Talk about a bunch of liars. I agreed to meet with the Russian foreign minister and that ambassador who everyone who worked on my campaign met with and forgot about. I didn’t want any press there, of course, because they’re all obsessed with Russians for some reason.  They bring a photographer and tell me it’s just for Putin’s scrapbook. I meet the guy, his name was Tass or something like that. So the ambassador gives me a fancy Russian pen and some extra batteries for it and tells me to keep it with me as a sign of friendship.

“Okay,” I say. “If you’re sure nobody is going to see me playing grabass with the Russians in the Oval Office, then fine. Take your pictures.” Next thing I know, they’ve posted them on the wire services! I was all like “Tass! I thought we were comrades!” It turns out the Russian media is just as dishonest as the American media. You know what? I’ll say it. The Russian media is the enemy of the American people.

Oh, and what about Tom Arnold! He says he has a tape of my private racist and sexist comments I made while on the set of “The Apprentice.” How is that fair? Just because I’m on a TV set and wearing a microphone doesn’t mean you should record the terrible things I say and do! When the director says “cut,” that’s me time.  Steve Harvey knows what I’m talking about.

It’s like everything you do in the White House is on tape somewhere. People seriously need to stop taping me. That’s my job. I tape you. I think there’s a Yakov Smirnov joke in there somewhere. Sheila? Call Yakov Smirnov and tell him I have an exclusive joke for him. Must credit Trump!

This whole week has me goddamned steamed.

Okay, I’m about out of tape and these reel-to-reel jobs are a disaster to change. Speaking of which, my Tivo is about 98 percent full. Someone get on there and change the tapes so I don’t miss “Morning Joe.”

They’re Coming To Take Me Away Ha Ha Ho Ho Hee Hee (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 5)

Trump Jackson Screwball[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Speaker Paul Ryan

I swear. You people are going to put me in the looney bin. Why is everyone talking like I’m crazy? Morning Joe? George Will? The Washington Post? CNBC? NPR? They’re all talking about how I’m losing it. Like I got a screw loose! Can you believe it? I mean, I expect that sort of thing from Keith Olberman, but Terry Gross? What did I ever do to her?

This is completely unfair. So I occasionally have trouble getting the words out. Or I confuse names. Or I repeat simple phrases over and over again. Or I talk about dead people as if they’re still alive. Or I forget how government works. Or I’m afraid of stairs. Or I compliment dictators and strongmen around the world.

Speaking of which, I heard Kim Jong-un’s dad has a hell of a golf swing. Maybe I should invite him out to Mar-a-Lago for 18 holes and we can work this whole nuclear thing out. Sheila? Get me Kim Jong-il on the phone. What? Dead? When? Does Kim-Jong-un know? He’s a smart cookie. I bet he does know. Any word on how his golf game is? If he’s anything like his old man, it’s tremendous.

Someone might have mentioned that Andrew Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War started. Or that the Civil War is one of the most researched questions historians have written about. Am I the only 70-year-old white man who hasn’t watched a thousand documentaries about the Civil War? To see my Twitter mentions, you’d think so. Don’t worry, though. I fixed it.

I genuinely believe Andrew Jackson saw the Civil War coming and was really mad about it. Look at a $20 bill. Doesn’t he seem angry? Someone ask Steve Mnuchin if we can put me on some money. I’m thinking we bring back the $20 gold coin and put my face on one side and me standing at the 14th hole at Trump National on the other. Just make sure it shows the plaque memorializing that “River of Blood” Civil War battle that the fake news people at the failing Golf Digest say never happened.

How about that health care bill, huh? Great job everybody. We twisted arms and prodded those squishy moderates then all of a sudden we got us an Obamacare replacement that does everything I promised it would do. It covers everybody. What was that, Shiela? 27 million? Really? Well, it protects people with pre-existing conditions. What? No? Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I saw Paul say it would protect pre-existing conditions. It will jack up their premiums? But I promised it would lower premiums. I said it would cost a tiny fraction of what Obamacare costs. I remember it clearly because that was a huge applause line. Ugh, am I going to have to read this bill? Shiela? Get someone in here to read this bill for me.

[tape pauses for 8 minutes]

Enough! Enough! Get out! Who knew health care could be so boring? Am I right? Shiela? Tell Paul, I’ll take his word for it. Man, I thought I was going to die listening to that. Good thing I’ve got great health insurance. Whew. I’ll tell ya, that was brutal. I did catch something about Medicaid in there. I assume we’re keeping my promise to not cut Medicaid, right? I really gave ole’ Huckabee the business on Twitter that time he copied me.

Wait, what was that, Shiela? You were mumbling something. Block grants to the states? What’s that? Oh. Well, that doesn’t sound too bad. I mean what’s $880 billion? It’s not like that’s serious money. It’s probably mostly fraud and waste, right? What? What’s a “special-needs kid?” Oh, come on. Really? What about vets? Them too? So who gets the $880 billion? Tax cuts for billionaires? And they voted for that? Wow. Unbelievable. I’m sure everyone else is okay with it, though. What? Well, yeah, I’ll sign it. I promised, didn’t I?

Man, I’m bushed. I hope I don’t say something to undercut our entire argument when I meet with the Australian prime minister tonight. You know how I get when I haven’t had my well-done steak with ketchup.

Okay. Now that we’re finished with repeal and replace can we move on to something else? I am so tired of pretending I care about health care. I need to get out of Washington for a few days. Maybe I’ll go visit Melania in New York. That’s the one place in the country where I know they love me. New York is my town. What’s that, Shiela? Mike Pence has another executive order for me to sign? I sure do sign a lot of these things for someone who used to really hate the idea of presidents signing executive orders.

What’s this one about? Religious Freedom? Is it the one where we let Christians discriminate against gay people or the one where we let churches fundraise for politicians? Both? Ask Mike if he can combine them into one, I don’t want to sign two of them. I’ve only got so much left in in the old tank today and I’m trying to make a tee time at Trump National. Oh, has Ivanka signed off on this? Well, at least no one can get mad about this one, right?

Shiela? Tell Steve Mnuchin that when he’s done with his weekly meeting with Ivanka that I need to see her. I want to give her a hug and tell her it’s going to be okay. Everybody puts fake quotes in their book nowadays. Nobody cares except a bunch of nerds that are going to find something to complain about no matter what you write. Shiela? Get the State Department on the phone. They’re not doing anything important. Maybe they can help goose her book sales a bit.

You know, I’m getting a little sick of the attitudes around here. Maybe some of you need a little refresher course in who is in charge. Shiela? What can I do to punish a bunch of federal employees that requires virtually no effort on my part?

Okay, I’m off the New York. Good job on the . . . uh . . . health care thing . . . and stuff. Just terrific. Really. I’m sure that’s going to be a huge, huge, part of my legacy.

 

100 Days. That’s Like . . . a Lot of Days, Right? (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 4)

Trump Button

[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Rep. Jason Chaffetz, chair of the House Oversight Committee
Steve Mnuchin, secretary of Treasury

Shiela? Make a note to tell whoever is bringing me a Coke every time I press this red button on my desk to ease up on the ice. The red button means “Coke” not “ice with some Coke splashed over it, okay?”

Okay, people, this “100 days thing” is starting to wear on my nerves. I don’t know who decided that this was going to be a big deal, but all I’m seeing on TV is how unproductive Trump’s first 100 days will be. Where did anyone get the idea that I was going to get a lot of things accomplished in the first 100? Not that we haven’t. I mean look at all the executive orders I signed. I even read some of them. Well, I skimmed them. Or I had Shiela give me the bullet points. I’m the president. I don’t have a lot of time for reading. The point is that 100 days isn’t a lot of time when you’re dealing with a Republican congress. I don’t know what Ron thinks he’s doing over there, but it’s a disaster.

That’s okay though. I know how to fix it.

It will turn around for us when those coal mining companies start hiring again. Somebody has to dump all that sludge into the rivers, right? It doesn’t dump itself.

Anyway, I knew that tax reform was going to be a beautiful thing, right? How about that Tax Reform Plan, huh? That was a huge weight off my mind, getting that done, let me tell you. People kept saying it was going to be too hard. The Commerce Secretary, what’s his name, Munchkin? He said it would be August before we’d have it. But I stepped up and said we’d have it by Wednesday and there it was. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m looking forward to my huge tax cut. Does anyone think the base is going to remember any of the promises I made on taxes? I don’t see how they will. I can’t. I’m sure I must have said something about cutting taxes on the wealthy, getting rid of the alternative minimum tax (that’s gonna save me about $23 million a year), not allowing deductions on 401(k) contributions, and paying for it all with deficit spending. Does that sound familiar to anybody? I am one thousand percent certain that’s what I promised. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be in my tax plan, right? Nailed it. There’s another 100-day accomplishment for the list. Is someone keeping a list? Jared?

You know what I miss most about my life before the presidency? I mean besides getting my Cokes served to me with the right amount of ice? Driving. No one told me the president doesn’t get to drive anymore. Half the reason I go golfing every weekend is so I can drive the cart around. Trump likes to be in the driver’s seat. This job is so much harder than I thought. I thought my life was going to be easier after the election. It looked so easy on “The West Wing.” Television wouldn’t lie to me, would it? Do these reporters know how hard this job is? If they did, I bet they’d be nicer to me. I should probably remind them I won the election.

Shiela? Have someone print me up some more electoral maps to hand out to reporters. I gave my last bunch to that group from Reuters. They seemed impressed. I made sure to tell them that the red states went for Trump. I don’t know why I’m not seeing more stories about how I won the election.

And what’s with all the nerds marching in protest against me? I don’t have anything against science? I went to Wharton. They have science classes there, I imagine. Don’t these people know that the election is over? Hold on.

That should do it. Speaking of the election being over, how are the crowds looking for my campaign rally in Pennsylvania on Day 100? Huge, right? Nobody gets crowds like us. Should I bring copies of the electoral map to hand out?

Jared? How are we coming along with dismantling the 9th Circuit? I’m pretty sure I put you in charge of that, right? Did you call them yet? If we could get that done by the 29th, I can count it as a 100-day accomplishment. Can you believe they halted my executive order on sanctuary cities? Even after my lawyers argued that the order didn’t actually do anything? Can I fire that judge? Someone ask Jeff Sessions if he can fire that judge. He’s already in Dutch with the Hawaiians and with New York, so he probably won’t mind going after San Fransisco too. You know how he is. Jared? Send Sessions a basket of pineapples and Rice-a-Roni. He’ll know what it means.

I’ll admit I haven’t been paying close attention, but did we lose eleven states while I was out playing golf? Why does the American flag on the birthday card I tweeted to Melania only have 39 stars on it? Did we exclude some of the blue states or something? Do you know how much that’s going to cost me at the Tiffany store in the lobby of my building where she lives?

I will say this. I’m getting pretty sick of everyone scrutinizing every word I say. It’s getting so I can’t josh around with people and bullshit a little without everyone making a big, fat, international disaster out of it. Take North Korea, some reporter asked me if we’re going to have a conflict with North Korea. Now, what am I supposed to say? No? That would be tipping my hand. So I said there’s “a chance” remember that. I said there was “absolutely” “a chance” we might be headed for a major, major conflict with North Korea. Then the dishonest media plays it up like I said we might be going to war with North Korea or something. Now I’ve got to smooth it all over with some Trump diplomacy.

Why are we still talking about Mike Flynn? Chaffetz? I thought you were on my side. I thought we were cool! Now all of a sudden you’re wanting paperwork on this guy? I don’t do paperwork, I’m a businessman. We make deals with a handshake. Flynn was helpful during the campaign, so I gave him the most important job I could think of that didn’t require senate confirmation. How was I supposed to know he was working for the Russians? I was working on my extreme vetting program for those Syrian refugees. I mean what the hell, Jason? You call a press conference to complain to the crooked media about paperwork? Look, I appreciate you trying to clean it up, but seriously. You just need to shut up and go away.

Maybe we need a distraction. Is there a Nazi around here we can spare?

Do Any of You Know What the Word ‘Prudent’ Means? (The Trump/Nixon Tapes, Part three)

uss-carl-vinson-cvn-70-2[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: National Security Advisor H. R. McMasters,
Secretary of Defense Mad Dog Mattis

PRESIDENT TRUMP:

[Sound of fingers drumming on the desk]

[Sound of heavy sighing]

You know, people, I don’t ask for much out of you. Just some loyalty. That’s all. You don’t have to be qualified for the job you’re in. You don’t have to follow the rules and traditions set down by previous administrations. You don’t even have to like the department you’re in charge of running.

You just have to have my back. And right now, my back is so full of knife wounds, that I’m going to have to get on the phone to Mexico to have another set of Trump suits flown first class to Mar-a-Lago. Do you know how much that’s going to cost the American taxpayer? I don’t.

I mean how the hell do we lose an entire armada? I’ve been on one of those aircraft carriers during the campaign. It was huge! So many people loved it when I stood on the deck of that big boat and talked about how the military was a disaster.

When the president speaks. It has to be the truth, even when it isn’t. Understand? My credibility and the credibility of the country depends on you people getting that through your thick skulls. Nunes gets it.

So what happened? I asked Sheila in the Steno pool to look it up for me.

She says just over a week ago, someone at Defense talked to the Clinton News Network saying we were sending one of those big beautiful boats to North Korea because what’shisname was getting too big for his britches.  Sounds good to me. I don’t remember making that decision, but like I told the press after we dropped that huge bomb on . . . uh . . was it Pakistan? No, that doesn’t sound right. Afghanistan! Jeeze, I need flash cards or something.

Anyway, like I told the press, my military is fully authorized. I’ve given them total authorization. So if someone decided to take one of those big beautiful boats to Korea, then I say pick me up some barbecue on the way back after you’ve shown that inscrutable little bastard what American might is all about.

They loved it in South Korea! You should have seen that guy on CNN talking about how grave the situation was and how this armada was going to show what’shishead that he needs to sit down because he’s not messing with some squishy Democrats anymore.

South Korea was excited. North Korea was furious. The media was sporting big war boners, talking about how my decision to divert that boat to Korea signaled a new strategy in dealing with that guy. Everything was coming up Trump! And I don’t even remember making that decision! That’s just how great I am at this job.

Mad Dog! You went on TV and said the order to send the . . . damn it what’s the name of that boat? [sound of papers shuffling] It’s a guy’s name, something like Vinnie? The USS Vinnie Barbarino? [more papers shuffling] Here it is. The USS Carl Vinson (See? I knew it was Vinnie something). You said it was “on her way up there because that’s where we thought it was most prudent to have her at this time.” Do you remember me giving the order?

McMaster! You went on Fox a week ago and they asked about why I gave the order. You said, “Well, it’s prudent to do isn’t it?”

Sean! When the dishonest reporters asked you about it, you said “The forward deployment is deterrence, presence. It’s prudent.” Where did you guys get that word? Did I use it when I gave the order to send the Barbarino to Korea? It doesn’t sound like me. But it sure sounds like you guys got together and got your stories straight, which makes for a nice change of pace around here, believe me.

After all that, I felt pretty confident going on Fox Business News and telling them, “We are sending an armada, very powerful. We have submarines, very powerful, far more powerful than the aircraft carrier.” See? Commander-in-Chief! Large and in charge! Flexing some military muscles. It was beautiful.

But now I hear that the damn boat wasn’t even going to Korea at all? The commander of the Barbarino was tweeting selfies in Singapore?

Did I give the order or didn’t I?

Well, I’m giving it now. I want the USS Vinnie Barbarino headed to North Korea now! Sean, you go back out there and tell them that was the plan all along. Blame it on a miscommunication or something. But emphasize that I definitely didn’t lose a damn aircraft carrier.

[heavy sigh]

Moving on.

Will someone please make me some flash cards so I can remember the name of the leader of North Korea? Would that be “prudent?” The press is getting wise to my trick of just calling him “this gentleman.” It turns out, there’s been three of them? Really? And no one thought to mention it?

You’re just making your own jobs harder. I mean how are you ever going to be able to convince everyone that Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, and Kim Jong-un are the same person? I suppose you can play up the craftiness angle. Or maybe you could mention how they all look alike? Whatever you do, make it quick. Chop chop!

Look, I’ve been rough on you guys. But that’s me. I’m a rough guy. Tough as they come — a steely-eyed, hard-nosed, take-no-crap negotiator. But let’s end on a positive note. The Easter Egg Roll was a huge success. I want to thank everyone for hurrying back to Washington last Monday and finding all the eggs I hid when I thought it was supposed to be an Easter egg hunt. Also, I appreciate Steve Bannon dressing up as the Easter Bunny this year.

I don’t know who leaked that it was him, but I’m looking at you, Kelly Ann.

Sure, there were some hiccups, I threw a kid’s autographed Trump hat into the crowd instead of giving it back to him and had to be reminded by an immigrant to put my hand over my heart during the National Anthem. But at least the kids got to meet Jeff Sessions, am I right?

Oh, Jerrod? Send Bill O’Reilly a falafel basket and ask him if he wants Sean Spicer’s job. And send Alex Jones a chili basket and ask him to forget my number. I can’t take any more late night calls blubbering about his kids being turned gay by juice boxes.

Trump out!

[Sound of microphone dropping]

Changing the World [The Trump/Nixon Tapes, part 2]

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[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Steven Bannon

bcc: Aaron Fuller, director of food and beverages, Mar-a-Lago.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Okay, I think we’re rolling. I’m starting. Here we go. It is, uh, April 13, 2017. We’re 10 or 13 weeks into my administration and I wanted to talk to everyone about what a tremendous job I’m doing.

First off, I want to welcome Sean back into the TCT on a provisional basis. That press briefing where you explained my changing positions by claiming that I hadn’t changed, the rest of the world changed was inspired. Good job. That certainly makes up for all that Hitler talk from earlier in the week. I heard Steve Bannon didn’t care for your description of Hitler as “despicable” but Steve has one foot out the door anyway. Right, Steve?

As many of you know, my father taught me that men don’t change their minds, they change the world. And I believe that. I really do. I mean what other explanation could there be? The things I said on the campaign trail at the rallies weren’t wrong. Everyone saw the huge crowds I got. Nobody got crowds like Trump. And they all agreed with me. My positions were very popular. That’s why I won the election. They all said Trump had no path to victory. But they were wrong. The world changed.

I mean look at NATO. It was obsolete. Who even ever heard of NATO before I told everyone how obsolete it was? It was no League of Nations, that I can tell you. But now that I’m president, they’re no longer obsolete. Did they do something different? They must have. Otherwise, they’d still be obsolete. Maybe Angela Merkel paid that invoice I gave her when she tried to shake my hand. That figures. Men don’t pay invoices. My father taught me that, too. The world keeps changing, but Trump stays the same.

Then there’s the Export-Import Bank. Like I said on the campaign trail at the rallies where we got such huge crowds that all agreed with me, I don’t see a reason for it. It isn’t necessary. It’s got a lot of baggage. They must have heard me and seen those beautiful crowds because they suddenly started making money. Plus, all those executives from all those huge companies all told me that it was a good thing, so the world changed again. Amazing. Just, really incredible, that the whole world changes when Trump speaks. That’s just beautiful, let me tell you.

And what about China? They were world champion currency manipulators. You all heard me say it. Thousands of people, maybe even millions, heard me say it. I promised that my Treasury Secretary would label them a currency manipulator. I figured a Goldman Sachs guy would understand, right? I mean if anyone understands currency manipulation it’s a Goldman Sachs guy, right? Then I won the election in a historical landslide and China stopped manipulating its currency. The world changed.

Speaking of China, how great was that missile attack in Iraq? Or Syria? Or whichever place we dropped all those Tomahawks? There I was at Mar-a-Lago with President Jinping, or is it President Xi? Are the Chinese the ones that use the last name first? I can’t keep that straight and frankly, I find it ridiculous. Anyway, we both decided to screw our diets and split a piece of the Most Beautiful Chocolate Cake. (Note to Aaron: naming that dessert the Most Beautiful Chocolate Cake was a stroke of genius. I guarantee you the members are going to eat dozens if not millions of those cakes, let’s up the price to $40 a slice).

While I’m thinking about dessert, Jared, be sure and send Janet Yellen over at the Federal Reserve a muffin basket. Write on the card something like “I hope your interest in lemon poppyseed is higher than your federal reserve policies.” She’ll get what I mean.

I understand from Junior that my Raytheon stock is doing really well after we shot $100 million worth of inventory at . . . uh . . . I want to say Syria? Is that the one? Yeah, that’s the one. Maybe we should bomb Iraq too so I don’t make that mistake again.  Not that I made a mistake. But bombing Iraq would make what I said true retroactively. We need to make the changes we want to see in the world.

Hey, remember how everyone went crazy because I ordered my steak well done? I told everybody you need to really cook the hell out of your steaks because the kitchen at Mar-a-Lago’s a disaster. Seriously, Aaron, you’d think after doubling the membership fees to $200,000, you’d have enough in the budget to get the coolers fixed. Maybe we should charge $50 a slice for that cake.

Hey, Mad Dog, you weren’t kidding about that bomb we dropped on . . . uh . . . damn it I know this . . . Israel? No. Afghanistan.

Wow. That was a big mother. I’m told it was the biggest non-nuclear bomb ever to be dropped. A record! Congratulations, seriously. I bet it was also pretty expensive too. I think Hannity or somebody said it was $16 million. For a single bomb? It must have been covered in gold filigree. Did someone put my name on it? I bet that would have increased the value tremendously. I bet it looked beautiful as it fell, too, all covered in gold and glinting in the sun — a giant TRUMP painted on the side. I had Sheila in the Steno pool read me the casualty report. It says we got 36 ISIS fighters. So that means each of them was worth . . .

[tapping sound as Trump works an adding machine]

$444,444 — that’s got to be a record too, right? I mean those guys wouldn’t see that kind of money in 20 lifetimes, that I can tell you. Their world changed pretty damn quick, didn’t it?

Okay, so big Easter weekend coming up. Melania has agreed to go with me down to Mar-a-Lago if I promise she won’t get the runs again. Aaron, that’s on you. Man, do I need this vacation. All this world-changing would wear down a normal man. Fortunately, I thrive on it. But you know, there’s something niggling me in the back of my head. I had a scalp adjustment last week, so it probably isn’t that. No. Seems like there is something I’m supposed to do this weekend. Some big event? I read something about it. Something, something, highest-profile event at the White House all year?

Meh, It will come to me. Have a good long weekend everybody and let’s come back to the White House next week ready to change the world some more.

Trump out!

Muffin Basket Diplomacy [The Trump/Nixon Tapes, Part One]

giphyApril 5, 2017

To: the Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Sean Spicer

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Are you on? Are we rolling? Really? Beautiful. Okay everybody clear out. Leave me alone with my thoughts.

[Mumurs of “Thank you, Mr. President” and inaudible dialogue]

Okay. So I had some of the tech guys in the secret basement hook up Dick Nixon’s old Oval Office recording device. They tell me one of the young women in the Steno pool will type it up and shoot everybody a memo.

Now. Why am I seeing these fake news stories about me “forgetting” to sign the Executive Order? I may not know what all them do, but I sign every one of them. I didn’t forget. I don’t forget things. I am not one who forgets.

I’m not signing these things in front of the cameras anymore. The dishonesty is just too much to take. It’s disrespectful, frankly. The things that some people did with the computers. I don’t know how they do it. But it’s all fake, right? It’s fake news, but they’re everywhere. No. I’m done with that. Ugh.

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So many penises. Are we sure everyone knows I’m the president? Should we have some of those big money guys who want favors do an ad?

Of course, it could be worse. Did you see what they’re doing to Putin? He’s going to haaaate that. It’s disgusting. Make sure we send him a muffin basket or something.

Why am I still reading about this Cohen-Whatsit kid? Steve? Jared? He’s yours. You stood up for him when McMaster wanted him gone. That’s right. He’s the one that McMaster wanted to get rid of and you guys said I should tell him to “pound sand?” Is that something soldiers tell each other to do? Pound sand?

I don’t know. McMaster didn’t want him and you guys said we had to keep him. What does that kid do over there that’s so important anyway?

Wait, Jared isn’t here. Where is Jared? He seems to be gone a lot.  Was his Illuminati induction this weekend? I was going to put him in charge of something else just to watch him make that face again. Jared? I’m putting you in charge of muffin baskets. Send yourself one.

Steve? You’re out at the National Security Council. A) You wanted it too much and I don’t do “needy” and 2) I only put you on the Security Council to keep an eye on Flynn. Jared can handle it without you. I mean what are you going to do, quit?

Speaking of Flynn, Why didn’t somebody tell me that Flynn was the Russian mole? Why do I have to read about it in the paper?

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Since you’re not so busy Steve, you hit this Susan Rice thing your boy found for me. This is a big story. They said “unprecedented” on “Fox and Friends.” I at-ted the FBI on the tweet so they’re in the loop on this. The Times is going to ask about this. I’m going to go with “big story that the fake news won’t cover” and when they ask for more information, I’ll just tell them I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve got a good feeling about this one, everybody. Republicans haaaate her. Anyone who figures a way to hook Loretta Lynch into this gets a case of Trump steaks and five items from my drawer full of tiny soaps, shampoos, lotions, and conditioners.

Okay, moving on. Katie Walsh. I’m not sure who you are, but Steve says you’re the leaker. Not cool! No, I’m kidding. I’m sure you’re a nice person. But you’ve got to go so we can get the Trump Train back on track perception wise. You understand. I put Jared in charge of getting you some lovely parting gifts.

She was Rience’s girl, right? Rience? Firstly, I’ve left instructions with the Steno pool to never spell your name correctly in these transcripts. Never going to happen. Get a name people can pronounce and we’ll talk. Personally, I think you look a like a “Joey.”

Secondly, I want to know who leaked that I am considering resigning. Thirdly, I’ve got no problem waterboarding you or any of the staff to find how who is actually leaking.

Let’s see. I gave the Freedom Caucus the ole Twitter gut check. Beautiful, right?

Somebody send Paul a muffin basket with a card that says: Thanks for the assist. Using the Democrats to threaten the Freedom Caucus was surprisingly . . . uh . . . on the team? I don’t know. It’s so hard to care where Paul’s concerned.

Someone want to explain the timing here? Niki over at the UN tells everybody that we’re not going to oust Assad and then suddenly he’s got chemical weapons and using them on civilians? How am I supposed to feel about this? I mean the pictures are horrible. The whole thing is a disaster. He crossed just so many lines. But Assad is a tough leader. Putin won’t shut up about the guy. I told the people at the rallies where we had such huge crowds. I mean nobody gets crowds like we do. But I told them you have to be tough with these guys. You’ve got to take out their families, right? I took a lot of heat for that. They said I was advocating a war crime. I didn’t think so. Now Little Marco is bebopping and scatting all over me. I thought you guys said this was Obama’s fault? I know Spicy said it.

Somebody might have told me I signed a bill that the whole country hates. What was that about? Who knew people liked to keep their internet privacy private? I don’t use computers. I use Twitter and I’m giving that away for free. I swear to you that if I have to start reading every damn thing I sign, I’m cracking skulls.

Don junior? I need to withdraw a few thousand from the Trump Organization profits to pay for some muffin baskets. Jared, use my guy over at my hotel. Tell him it’s for me and he’ll jack up the invoice.

Well that’s it, everyone, I guess. How do you turn this damn thing off?

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]