Trump’s Speech: A Noun, A Verb, and A Lie.


1448345588275-cachedI’m that annoying friend on Facebook who posts a lot of political content. Everyone has one. Most of them get blocked or hidden and that’s fine. I also jump on political threads that my friends post, ready to argue the nuances of the political discussion of the day. I don’t post photos of my dinner. Rarely post about my cats. The only sports team I follow has a two-month season in early Summer. No prayer requests. No vaguebooking about issues at work. No complaining about my family or friends. If that’s your bag, then more power to you. I’m a different breed of cat.

A couple of weeks ago, I got the idea to challenge my friends to get me to shut up about President Trump. I offered to refrain from posting about the president for an entire month if someone could point me to a speech he gave in which every fact he asserts is verifiably true. All they had to do was point to Trump telling the truth and I would let it go for a month.

So far, no takers. And that’s not surprising. Trump lies like most people breathe. It comes so easy to him, he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.

Last night, he held a campaign rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I call it a campaign rally because it was a rally, organized by his campaign team, and offered an opportunity for the crowd to contribute to Trump’s re-election fund. But Trump couldn’t even be honest about that. He said, “We’re not even campaigning and look at this crowd!”

Well, what are you doing up there? Your campaign staff seems to think this is a campaign event. You’re making a stump speech, making promises, and attacking Democrats just like you did during the campaign. What am I missing?

Speaking of attacking Democrats, Trump couldn’t even keep it straight in his head whether or not he wants to work with Democrats to achieve his agenda goals. When talking about the health care bill in the Senate, he said:

“If we had even a little Democrat support, just a little, like a couple of votes, you’d have everything. And you could give us a lot of votes and we’d even be willing to change it and move it around and try and make it even better. But again, They just want to stop, they just want to obstruct. A few votes from the Democrats, seriously, a few votes from the Democrats, it could be so easy, so beautiful, and you’d have cooperation.”|

First of all, you don’t vote on legislation and then change it. That’s not how legislation works, even when Republicans have a stranglehold on the process. Secondly, Sen. Mitch McConnell has cut out nearly everyone from the process on the health care bill, even members of the 13-member working group supposedly tasked with writing it. Zero Democrats have seen the bill, so how could they be obstructing it? But lastly, shortly after complaining that Democrats won’t work with him, he continued his criticism to the point where even he recognized the irony.

“I am making it a little bit hard to get their support, but who cares?”

So does he want the support of Democrats or doesn’t he? The answer is that he doesn’t care. What he wants is to give rally speeches where he can rag on Democrats. And if you point out the contradiction, you’re a snowflake who needs a safe space. I’m not a snowflake. I don’t need a safe space. I need some logical consistency in my president. I need for a grown up to be in charge.

As for promises, he made an interesting one about immigrants and welfare.

“I believe the time has come for new immigration rules which say those seeking admission into our country must be able to support themselves financially and should not use welfare for a period of at least five years. And we’ll be putting in legislation to that effect very shortly.”

Put aside the fact that whenever Trump promises something will happen “very shortly,” over a “very short period of time” or even “two weeks,” that he has a pattern of simply dropping it and we never see what he promises. In this particular case, he might as well drop it because the law has been on the books since 1996.

Now, that’s not a “lie” per se. Trump may very well propose new legislation that does the exact same thing a previous law already does. But it demonstrates an ignorance of a subject where Trump is supposed to be informed. Immigration reform is one of his big issues. Another is trade policy. But he doesn’t seem to understand that one either.

Look, I get it. He’s a showman! He’s Mr. Media! He’s the second coming of Reagan, the “Greater Communicator!” That’s why he likes to tease things out. He’s always going to tell you about it on the next episode. “Are there tapes of your conversations with FBI Director Comey?” “We’ll be releasing information about that very shortly.” “Do you have evidence President Obama ordered your phones tapped at Trump Tower?” “We’ll be releasing information about that in two weeks.” “Do you have evidence that five million illegal immigrants voted against you in the election?” “We’ll be releasing that information in a short period of time.” What a showman! What an impresario!

Again, pointing out the many mixed signals, contradictory statements, and outright lies this president tells, is futile because what’s important to his ever-shrinking base is that people like me are mad about it. They’d much rather see me cry my liberal tears than hungry children fed or poor people get health care. And I know. I know. I heard the same thing from them during the election: “Hillary voters don’t care that she lies or that she’s a criminal.” They may even believe that’s true. But the difference is that Hillary isn’t president and her FBI investigation ended without charges. PRESIDENT Trump is still under investigation and his voters don’t care.

Last night, he suggested again that he was going to build a wall along the southern border. He hasn’t been able to convince his own party to fund it. In fact, the latest continuing resolution on the budget specifically said no money for the wall. But last night he said he wanted to make it a solar wall so that it will generate funds to save Mexico some money. There is never going to be a border wall. It is too impractical to exist. For example, there is a section of Texas that borders Mexico where the divide is the Rio Grande River. The border between our countries goes right down the middle of the river. Do we build the wall in Texas and yield the river to Mexico? Or do we build the wall in Mexico and yield that section of the wall to a country that doesn’t want it? Or do we leave a big old hole in our beautiful solar wall? It’s just a dumb idea and the grown-ups know this. The grown-ups understand that to achieve three percent annual growth in the economy, we have to hire more Mexicans.

Here’s a fun lie he told last night:

“When I’m signing for the XL Pipeline and the Dakota I said, ‘By the way, who made the pipe? But I put a little clause, handwritten. It said, ‘Anybody builds a pipeline in the United States will use American steel and fabricate in America.’ No more taking it over on boats!”

Mr. President, we have tape of you signing that Executive Order. You never asked “By the way, who made the pipe?” and you held it up for everyone to see your signature. There was no “little clause, handwritten” that said anything. It’s just a lie. But listen to that crowd roar! What a showman! What a raconteur!

He talked about pulling out of the Paris Agreement:

“They all say it’s ‘nonbinding. Like Hell it’s nonbinding. When we get sued by everybody because we thought it was nonbinding, then you can tell me it was nonbinding,”

But when the president held a Rose Garden speech to announce he wanted to leave the Paris Agreement, he said:

“Thus, as of today, the United States will cease all implementation of the nonbinding Paris accord and the draconian financial and economic burdens the agreement imposes on our country.”

He is a liar. He lies about little things. He lies about big things. He lies when he doesn’t have to. He lies about the lies he tells. So I feel pretty confident that none of my friends on social media will accept my challenge. Which, I admit, is a little unfair. But I don’t believe the bar is set too high. Just don’t lie to us. Make one speech where you tell the truth. The bar can’t get much lower. But you’d think I was asking him to build his border wall on the moon.

So, to sum up: our president is a liar, his slobbering masses don’t care, and there is no reason for me to ever worry about anyone proving me wrong because, while he may be capable of telling the truth, he feels no need to even try.


Tapes? Who said anything about tapes? (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 6)

Trump - Nixon Ghost2[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Sen. Chuck Grassley

Okay, everyone let’s be clear. Officially, I am not taping myself talking to you. That’s not happening, okay? Also, I’m not taping each and every conversation I have with each of you. That’s also not happening. Are we clear? I don’t know what you’ve been reading in the fake news or my Twitter feed, but I’m not saying that I have tapes.

I mean okay, sure, there’s a console by my bed at Mar-a-Lago that allows me to listen in on phone conversations anywhere at the resort. But let’s be honest here. Who among us wouldn’t want to listen in on some of these guests? Have you seen the parade of trophy wives? Va va va voom, am I right? But I didn’t record them. I don’t think we even have the technology to tape phone calls, have we? Someone over at the CIA should get on that. Just be sure and tell them it was my idea. People don’t give me enough credit for the things I make up.

Now, about the Comey firing. I don’t get it. Why is that such a big deal? I mean do I have the power to fire him or don’t I? I do, right? And Democrats have been wanting me to fire him, right? Since day freaking one. They say he took the election away from Hillary with that letter. So why are they so mad that I took action? And who cares what the reason was? Hey, I’m an active president with a lot of plates spinning. You can’t expect normal people to keep up with me, much less the people dumb enough to want to work in my communications office. I could replace you all with Sheila from the Steno pool. At least she records what I’m saying accurately and can repeat it back to me. There’s an idea:

Sheila? How’s your transcribing arm? Good? Cause you might be getting called up to the majors.

So I fired a guy that I am legally allowed to fire and I don’t even have to have a reason. So why is everyone trying to make a federal case out of it? I mean, not that I’m projecting here, but he was a grandstander and a showboat. Normally, I like showboats. There’s a great one down in Nashville that makes a well-done steak like you wouldn’t believe.

Anyhoo, firing Comey should have been no big deal. It’s not like he was all that popular with the FBI. For one thing, he’s too tall. I don’t trust really tall people. It’s like they’re lording it over me. I’m the lord around here. I mean, have you seen the size of my television? That’s a presidential TV.

I mean how many times did we change our story yesterday? Sheila? You got a rundown? Uh-huh. So, first, it was on the recommendations from Sessions and Rosenstein. Then I told Lester Holt it was my idea to do it before I even met with them. That’s not bad. That can be chalked up to miscommunica . . . what? Oh. Then Mike Pence said it had nothing to do with the Russia investigation and I told Lester Holt that I was thinking about the Russia investigation. Again, no bigly deal. Pence was out of the loop. What? Then Kelly Ann went on CNN and said it had “zero” to do with the Russia investigation. Okay, first of all, who let Kelly Ann out of her office? Then what, Sheila? Spicey said it was all based on Rosenstein? Nobody believes what Sean Spicer has to say. Did he yell that out from behind the bushes? What about that other girl? The six that Huckabee sent over? She said I’d already made the decision after watching Comey testify, right? That’s close enough. The dishonest media doesn’t believe anything my people say anyway. They’re obsessed with catching them in lies. You’d think my communications staff was making a game of lying to the press.

Look, you and I and whoever is taping this all know that the Trump Russia story is a hoax right? Didn’t Comey tell me three times that I’m not under investigation? Didn’t Chuck Grassley say the Trump Russia story was a hoax? So, me firing Comey doesn’t change that. It just moves it along so we can stop talking about fake news Russia and go back to talking about the real scandal — Obama taping my conversations. Why is nobody talking about that story?

You know who should be mad about recorded conversations? Me. Who had their private locker-room talk recorded and then broadcast all over the world? Me. That was between me, Billy Bush, and the sound crew who wired us for mics shortly before we had that private conversation.

It’s not like I even like Russians anyway. Oooh, While I’m thinking about it, Jared? Send Eric a muffin basket with Vodka and rat poison. Write “Snitches get stitches on the card.” He’ll know what I’m talking about. What was I talking about? Sheila? The Russians! Right. Talk about a bunch of liars. I agreed to meet with the Russian foreign minister and that ambassador who everyone who worked on my campaign met with and forgot about. I didn’t want any press there, of course, because they’re all obsessed with Russians for some reason.  They bring a photographer and tell me it’s just for Putin’s scrapbook. I meet the guy, his name was Tass or something like that. So the ambassador gives me a fancy Russian pen and some extra batteries for it and tells me to keep it with me as a sign of friendship.

“Okay,” I say. “If you’re sure nobody is going to see me playing grabass with the Russians in the Oval Office, then fine. Take your pictures.” Next thing I know, they’ve posted them on the wire services! I was all like “Tass! I thought we were comrades!” It turns out the Russian media is just as dishonest as the American media. You know what? I’ll say it. The Russian media is the enemy of the American people.

Oh, and what about Tom Arnold! He says he has a tape of my private racist and sexist comments I made while on the set of “The Apprentice.” How is that fair? Just because I’m on a TV set and wearing a microphone doesn’t mean you should record the terrible things I say and do! When the director says “cut,” that’s me time.  Steve Harvey knows what I’m talking about.

It’s like everything you do in the White House is on tape somewhere. People seriously need to stop taping me. That’s my job. I tape you. I think there’s a Yakov Smirnov joke in there somewhere. Sheila? Call Yakov Smirnov and tell him I have an exclusive joke for him. Must credit Trump!

This whole week has me goddamned steamed.

Okay, I’m about out of tape and these reel-to-reel jobs are a disaster to change. Speaking of which, my Tivo is about 98 percent full. Someone get on there and change the tapes so I don’t miss “Morning Joe.”

They’re Coming To Take Me Away Ha Ha Ho Ho Hee Hee (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 5)

Trump Jackson Screwball[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Speaker Paul Ryan

I swear. You people are going to put me in the looney bin. Why is everyone talking like I’m crazy? Morning Joe? George Will? The Washington Post? CNBC? NPR? They’re all talking about how I’m losing it. Like I got a screw loose! Can you believe it? I mean, I expect that sort of thing from Keith Olberman, but Terry Gross? What did I ever do to her?

This is completely unfair. So I occasionally have trouble getting the words out. Or I confuse names. Or I repeat simple phrases over and over again. Or I talk about dead people as if they’re still alive. Or I forget how government works. Or I’m afraid of stairs. Or I compliment dictators and strongmen around the world.

Speaking of which, I heard Kim Jong-un’s dad has a hell of a golf swing. Maybe I should invite him out to Mar-a-Lago for 18 holes and we can work this whole nuclear thing out. Sheila? Get me Kim Jong-il on the phone. What? Dead? When? Does Kim-Jong-un know? He’s a smart cookie. I bet he does know. Any word on how his golf game is? If he’s anything like his old man, it’s tremendous.

Someone might have mentioned that Andrew Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War started. Or that the Civil War is one of the most researched questions historians have written about. Am I the only 70-year-old white man who hasn’t watched a thousand documentaries about the Civil War? To see my Twitter mentions, you’d think so. Don’t worry, though. I fixed it.

I genuinely believe Andrew Jackson saw the Civil War coming and was really mad about it. Look at a $20 bill. Doesn’t he seem angry? Someone ask Steve Mnuchin if we can put me on some money. I’m thinking we bring back the $20 gold coin and put my face on one side and me standing at the 14th hole at Trump National on the other. Just make sure it shows the plaque memorializing that “River of Blood” Civil War battle that the fake news people at the failing Golf Digest say never happened.

How about that health care bill, huh? Great job everybody. We twisted arms and prodded those squishy moderates then all of a sudden we got us an Obamacare replacement that does everything I promised it would do. It covers everybody. What was that, Shiela? 27 million? Really? Well, it protects people with pre-existing conditions. What? No? Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I saw Paul say it would protect pre-existing conditions. It will jack up their premiums? But I promised it would lower premiums. I said it would cost a tiny fraction of what Obamacare costs. I remember it clearly because that was a huge applause line. Ugh, am I going to have to read this bill? Shiela? Get someone in here to read this bill for me.

[tape pauses for 8 minutes]

Enough! Enough! Get out! Who knew health care could be so boring? Am I right? Shiela? Tell Paul, I’ll take his word for it. Man, I thought I was going to die listening to that. Good thing I’ve got great health insurance. Whew. I’ll tell ya, that was brutal. I did catch something about Medicaid in there. I assume we’re keeping my promise to not cut Medicaid, right? I really gave ole’ Huckabee the business on Twitter that time he copied me.

Wait, what was that, Shiela? You were mumbling something. Block grants to the states? What’s that? Oh. Well, that doesn’t sound too bad. I mean what’s $880 billion? It’s not like that’s serious money. It’s probably mostly fraud and waste, right? What? What’s a “special-needs kid?” Oh, come on. Really? What about vets? Them too? So who gets the $880 billion? Tax cuts for billionaires? And they voted for that? Wow. Unbelievable. I’m sure everyone else is okay with it, though. What? Well, yeah, I’ll sign it. I promised, didn’t I?

Man, I’m bushed. I hope I don’t say something to undercut our entire argument when I meet with the Australian prime minister tonight. You know how I get when I haven’t had my well-done steak with ketchup.

Okay. Now that we’re finished with repeal and replace can we move on to something else? I am so tired of pretending I care about health care. I need to get out of Washington for a few days. Maybe I’ll go visit Melania in New York. That’s the one place in the country where I know they love me. New York is my town. What’s that, Shiela? Mike Pence has another executive order for me to sign? I sure do sign a lot of these things for someone who used to really hate the idea of presidents signing executive orders.

What’s this one about? Religious Freedom? Is it the one where we let Christians discriminate against gay people or the one where we let churches fundraise for politicians? Both? Ask Mike if he can combine them into one, I don’t want to sign two of them. I’ve only got so much left in in the old tank today and I’m trying to make a tee time at Trump National. Oh, has Ivanka signed off on this? Well, at least no one can get mad about this one, right?

Shiela? Tell Steve Mnuchin that when he’s done with his weekly meeting with Ivanka that I need to see her. I want to give her a hug and tell her it’s going to be okay. Everybody puts fake quotes in their book nowadays. Nobody cares except a bunch of nerds that are going to find something to complain about no matter what you write. Shiela? Get the State Department on the phone. They’re not doing anything important. Maybe they can help goose her book sales a bit.

You know, I’m getting a little sick of the attitudes around here. Maybe some of you need a little refresher course in who is in charge. Shiela? What can I do to punish a bunch of federal employees that requires virtually no effort on my part?

Okay, I’m off the New York. Good job on the . . . uh . . . health care thing . . . and stuff. Just terrific. Really. I’m sure that’s going to be a huge, huge, part of my legacy.


Trump and Ryan Celebrate Bullying Their Own Party Into Supporting A Bad Bill That Will Never Become Law

trump-and-paul-ryanThe House voted 217 to 213 to pass the American Health Care Act (AHCA). This cynical divisive act of cowardice served one (and only one) purpose — to give Donald Trump a legislative “victory.” But what did they win, exactly? I can guarantee you that, even as Trump talks about how great this plan is, he has no idea what the bill does. None. He just knows it must be a good plan because it passed.

During the campaign, Trump promised universal coverage at “a tiny fraction of the cost” and “it will be so easy.” It was only after he was elected that he realized how complicated health care is. By most estimates, it counts for a sixth of our economy and House Republicans passed it without knowing what was in it.

I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t Nancy Pelosi, when she was the speaker, say they had to pass Obamacare to find out what was in it? No. That’s one of the enduring myths of Obamacare — a quote, truncated and removed from its context then used as a bludgeon. The Affordable Care Act took 18 months to develop. There were hours and hours of hearings and debates. President Obama toured the country promoting it and taking ownership of it. During that year and a half, we lost Sen. Ted Kennedy and had to endure a special election. Democrats (though they controlled both houses) negotiated away popular provisions such as the public option to garner bipartisan support, incorporating demand after demand from Republicans only to have them vote no anyway. So no, the ACA wasn’t “rammed through” like so many Republicans claim.

The bill that passed the House yesterday was debated for six hours. No amendments were allowed. No hearings were held. There was no score from the Congressional Budget Office letting us know how much it would cost or what the impact would be on the people. The previous version (the one that didn’t make it to a floor vote) was going to kick 27 million people off their health insurance. It was polling at 17 percent. Somehow, I doubt this version will be any better and, when the CBO score comes out in a week or so, we’re likely to find that it is much worse.

Why did they have to rush this? What was the hurry? One reason is that the Trump administration needed some legislative victory to tout. The president just held a 100-day rally in a town he once referred to as a “war zone” and all he could say was that he nominated a Supreme Court justice (which was McConnell more than Trump) and he signed a bunch of executive orders, which were themselves broken campaign promises. The evidence of this assertion is that after voting on the bill, House Republicans got on buses and rode to the White House for a Trump victory celebration. What were they celebrating? Paul Ryan and Donald Trump had bullied their own party into supporting bad legislation? That’s a win?

Trump said Obamacare is “dead” well, “essentially dead.” He described the Republican bill as “something that is very, very, incredibly well-crafted.” I can guarantee you with all certainty that he has no idea what is in that bill. Most of the Republicans who voted for it hadn’t read it.

Now, I can break down for you all the terrible things in this bill, such as how it declares being a woman a pre-existing condition, screws over special-needs kids, cuts Medicaid funds that help the poor to fund a tax cut for the wealthy, and offers states a waiver to allow insurance companies to jack up rates on pre-existing conditions and old people. But what’s the point? This bill will never become law. The Senate is going to start from scratch. That’s the thing that really bothers me about this. The AHCA will be DOA in the Senate. So all the arm twisting and bullying to get the votes they needed in the House was just so Trump could have his Rose Garden photo op:

It was a sea of white men all celebrating killing health care for at least 27 million people and passing a tax cut for people making more than $250,000 a year. They are so proud and happy. But most of them don’t even know what they voted for because what they really voted for was for Paul Ryan to keep his leadership post. Aside from Trump’s photo op, that was the priority here. Because if Ryan failed to pass a bill on this third try, then his speakership was going to be over. In fact, the entire House leadership team would have been kicked out.

Think about that. If you were a rank-and-file member, that conversation had to go something like:

“We need you to support this bill.”

“Can I read it?”

“We don’t have draft language yet.”

“What about a CBO score?”


“Is it popular with the public?”

“Polling nationally at about 17 percent.”

“This bill sounds awful.”

“Don’t worry. You and your staff will get an exemption from whatever is in it.”

“Why should I vote for it?”

“If it fails again, the entire House leadership will be fired and you might have to take one of the posts.”

“Oh hell no!”

The American Medical Association, the American Nurses Association, the American Hospitals Association, the AARP, insurance companies, and editorial boards across the country all oppose this bill. Perhaps the president has succeeded in uniting this country afterall.

Next week (or maybe the week after) the CBO is going to tell everyone exactly what the Republicans passed yesterday. Your congressman needs to hear from you. One of the easiest ways to make that happen is to use ResistBot to send faxes and letters to your representatives for free (though they would appreciate donations). I use it three or four times a week to let my congressman, Dr. Phil Roe, know that his district isn’t as safe as he believes. If we can’t make these people feel uneasy about something as egregious as this dumpster fire of a bill, then we’ve lost already. Next year will be the midterms and every member of congress needs to be held accountable for what they did yesterday. I’ll do my part. I’m counting on you to do yours.

100 Days. That’s Like . . . a Lot of Days, Right? (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 4)

Trump Button

[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Rep. Jason Chaffetz, chair of the House Oversight Committee
Steve Mnuchin, secretary of Treasury

Shiela? Make a note to tell whoever is bringing me a Coke every time I press this red button on my desk to ease up on the ice. The red button means “Coke” not “ice with some Coke splashed over it, okay?”

Okay, people, this “100 days thing” is starting to wear on my nerves. I don’t know who decided that this was going to be a big deal, but all I’m seeing on TV is how unproductive Trump’s first 100 days will be. Where did anyone get the idea that I was going to get a lot of things accomplished in the first 100? Not that we haven’t. I mean look at all the executive orders I signed. I even read some of them. Well, I skimmed them. Or I had Shiela give me the bullet points. I’m the president. I don’t have a lot of time for reading. The point is that 100 days isn’t a lot of time when you’re dealing with a Republican congress. I don’t know what Ron thinks he’s doing over there, but it’s a disaster.

That’s okay though. I know how to fix it.

It will turn around for us when those coal mining companies start hiring again. Somebody has to dump all that sludge into the rivers, right? It doesn’t dump itself.

Anyway, I knew that tax reform was going to be a beautiful thing, right? How about that Tax Reform Plan, huh? That was a huge weight off my mind, getting that done, let me tell you. People kept saying it was going to be too hard. The Commerce Secretary, what’s his name, Munchkin? He said it would be August before we’d have it. But I stepped up and said we’d have it by Wednesday and there it was. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m looking forward to my huge tax cut. Does anyone think the base is going to remember any of the promises I made on taxes? I don’t see how they will. I can’t. I’m sure I must have said something about cutting taxes on the wealthy, getting rid of the alternative minimum tax (that’s gonna save me about $23 million a year), not allowing deductions on 401(k) contributions, and paying for it all with deficit spending. Does that sound familiar to anybody? I am one thousand percent certain that’s what I promised. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be in my tax plan, right? Nailed it. There’s another 100-day accomplishment for the list. Is someone keeping a list? Jared?

You know what I miss most about my life before the presidency? I mean besides getting my Cokes served to me with the right amount of ice? Driving. No one told me the president doesn’t get to drive anymore. Half the reason I go golfing every weekend is so I can drive the cart around. Trump likes to be in the driver’s seat. This job is so much harder than I thought. I thought my life was going to be easier after the election. It looked so easy on “The West Wing.” Television wouldn’t lie to me, would it? Do these reporters know how hard this job is? If they did, I bet they’d be nicer to me. I should probably remind them I won the election.

Shiela? Have someone print me up some more electoral maps to hand out to reporters. I gave my last bunch to that group from Reuters. They seemed impressed. I made sure to tell them that the red states went for Trump. I don’t know why I’m not seeing more stories about how I won the election.

And what’s with all the nerds marching in protest against me? I don’t have anything against science? I went to Wharton. They have science classes there, I imagine. Don’t these people know that the election is over? Hold on.

That should do it. Speaking of the election being over, how are the crowds looking for my campaign rally in Pennsylvania on Day 100? Huge, right? Nobody gets crowds like us. Should I bring copies of the electoral map to hand out?

Jared? How are we coming along with dismantling the 9th Circuit? I’m pretty sure I put you in charge of that, right? Did you call them yet? If we could get that done by the 29th, I can count it as a 100-day accomplishment. Can you believe they halted my executive order on sanctuary cities? Even after my lawyers argued that the order didn’t actually do anything? Can I fire that judge? Someone ask Jeff Sessions if he can fire that judge. He’s already in Dutch with the Hawaiians and with New York, so he probably won’t mind going after San Fransisco too. You know how he is. Jared? Send Sessions a basket of pineapples and Rice-a-Roni. He’ll know what it means.

I’ll admit I haven’t been paying close attention, but did we lose eleven states while I was out playing golf? Why does the American flag on the birthday card I tweeted to Melania only have 39 stars on it? Did we exclude some of the blue states or something? Do you know how much that’s going to cost me at the Tiffany store in the lobby of my building where she lives?

I will say this. I’m getting pretty sick of everyone scrutinizing every word I say. It’s getting so I can’t josh around with people and bullshit a little without everyone making a big, fat, international disaster out of it. Take North Korea, some reporter asked me if we’re going to have a conflict with North Korea. Now, what am I supposed to say? No? That would be tipping my hand. So I said there’s “a chance” remember that. I said there was “absolutely” “a chance” we might be headed for a major, major conflict with North Korea. Then the dishonest media plays it up like I said we might be going to war with North Korea or something. Now I’ve got to smooth it all over with some Trump diplomacy.

Why are we still talking about Mike Flynn? Chaffetz? I thought you were on my side. I thought we were cool! Now all of a sudden you’re wanting paperwork on this guy? I don’t do paperwork, I’m a businessman. We make deals with a handshake. Flynn was helpful during the campaign, so I gave him the most important job I could think of that didn’t require senate confirmation. How was I supposed to know he was working for the Russians? I was working on my extreme vetting program for those Syrian refugees. I mean what the hell, Jason? You call a press conference to complain to the crooked media about paperwork? Look, I appreciate you trying to clean it up, but seriously. You just need to shut up and go away.

Maybe we need a distraction. Is there a Nazi around here we can spare?

Do Any of You Know What the Word ‘Prudent’ Means? (The Trump/Nixon Tapes, Part three)

uss-carl-vinson-cvn-70-2[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: National Security Advisor H. R. McMasters,
Secretary of Defense Mad Dog Mattis


[Sound of fingers drumming on the desk]

[Sound of heavy sighing]

You know, people, I don’t ask for much out of you. Just some loyalty. That’s all. You don’t have to be qualified for the job you’re in. You don’t have to follow the rules and traditions set down by previous administrations. You don’t even have to like the department you’re in charge of running.

You just have to have my back. And right now, my back is so full of knife wounds, that I’m going to have to get on the phone to Mexico to have another set of Trump suits flown first class to Mar-a-Lago. Do you know how much that’s going to cost the American taxpayer? I don’t.

I mean how the hell do we lose an entire armada? I’ve been on one of those aircraft carriers during the campaign. It was huge! So many people loved it when I stood on the deck of that big boat and talked about how the military was a disaster.

When the president speaks. It has to be the truth, even when it isn’t. Understand? My credibility and the credibility of the country depends on you people getting that through your thick skulls. Nunes gets it.

So what happened? I asked Sheila in the Steno pool to look it up for me.

She says just over a week ago, someone at Defense talked to the Clinton News Network saying we were sending one of those big beautiful boats to North Korea because what’shisname was getting too big for his britches.  Sounds good to me. I don’t remember making that decision, but like I told the press after we dropped that huge bomb on . . . uh . . was it Pakistan? No, that doesn’t sound right. Afghanistan! Jeeze, I need flash cards or something.

Anyway, like I told the press, my military is fully authorized. I’ve given them total authorization. So if someone decided to take one of those big beautiful boats to Korea, then I say pick me up some barbecue on the way back after you’ve shown that inscrutable little bastard what American might is all about.

They loved it in South Korea! You should have seen that guy on CNN talking about how grave the situation was and how this armada was going to show what’shishead that he needs to sit down because he’s not messing with some squishy Democrats anymore.

South Korea was excited. North Korea was furious. The media was sporting big war boners, talking about how my decision to divert that boat to Korea signaled a new strategy in dealing with that guy. Everything was coming up Trump! And I don’t even remember making that decision! That’s just how great I am at this job.

Mad Dog! You went on TV and said the order to send the . . . damn it what’s the name of that boat? [sound of papers shuffling] It’s a guy’s name, something like Vinnie? The USS Vinnie Barbarino? [more papers shuffling] Here it is. The USS Carl Vinson (See? I knew it was Vinnie something). You said it was “on her way up there because that’s where we thought it was most prudent to have her at this time.” Do you remember me giving the order?

McMaster! You went on Fox a week ago and they asked about why I gave the order. You said, “Well, it’s prudent to do isn’t it?”

Sean! When the dishonest reporters asked you about it, you said “The forward deployment is deterrence, presence. It’s prudent.” Where did you guys get that word? Did I use it when I gave the order to send the Barbarino to Korea? It doesn’t sound like me. But it sure sounds like you guys got together and got your stories straight, which makes for a nice change of pace around here, believe me.

After all that, I felt pretty confident going on Fox Business News and telling them, “We are sending an armada, very powerful. We have submarines, very powerful, far more powerful than the aircraft carrier.” See? Commander-in-Chief! Large and in charge! Flexing some military muscles. It was beautiful.

But now I hear that the damn boat wasn’t even going to Korea at all? The commander of the Barbarino was tweeting selfies in Singapore?

Did I give the order or didn’t I?

Well, I’m giving it now. I want the USS Vinnie Barbarino headed to North Korea now! Sean, you go back out there and tell them that was the plan all along. Blame it on a miscommunication or something. But emphasize that I definitely didn’t lose a damn aircraft carrier.

[heavy sigh]

Moving on.

Will someone please make me some flash cards so I can remember the name of the leader of North Korea? Would that be “prudent?” The press is getting wise to my trick of just calling him “this gentleman.” It turns out, there’s been three of them? Really? And no one thought to mention it?

You’re just making your own jobs harder. I mean how are you ever going to be able to convince everyone that Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, and Kim Jong-un are the same person? I suppose you can play up the craftiness angle. Or maybe you could mention how they all look alike? Whatever you do, make it quick. Chop chop!

Look, I’ve been rough on you guys. But that’s me. I’m a rough guy. Tough as they come — a steely-eyed, hard-nosed, take-no-crap negotiator. But let’s end on a positive note. The Easter Egg Roll was a huge success. I want to thank everyone for hurrying back to Washington last Monday and finding all the eggs I hid when I thought it was supposed to be an Easter egg hunt. Also, I appreciate Steve Bannon dressing up as the Easter Bunny this year.

I don’t know who leaked that it was him, but I’m looking at you, Kelly Ann.

Sure, there were some hiccups, I threw a kid’s autographed Trump hat into the crowd instead of giving it back to him and had to be reminded by an immigrant to put my hand over my heart during the National Anthem. But at least the kids got to meet Jeff Sessions, am I right?

Oh, Jerrod? Send Bill O’Reilly a falafel basket and ask him if he wants Sean Spicer’s job. And send Alex Jones a chili basket and ask him to forget my number. I can’t take any more late night calls blubbering about his kids being turned gay by juice boxes.

Trump out!

[Sound of microphone dropping]

Changing the World [The Trump/Nixon Tapes, part 2]


[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompasses the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Steven Bannon

bcc: Aaron Fuller, director of food and beverages, Mar-a-Lago.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Okay, I think we’re rolling. I’m starting. Here we go. It is, uh, April 13, 2017. We’re 10 or 13 weeks into my administration and I wanted to talk to everyone about what a tremendous job I’m doing.

First off, I want to welcome Sean back into the TCT on a provisional basis. That press briefing where you explained my changing positions by claiming that I hadn’t changed, the rest of the world changed was inspired. Good job. That certainly makes up for all that Hitler talk from earlier in the week. I heard Steve Bannon didn’t care for your description of Hitler as “despicable” but Steve has one foot out the door anyway. Right, Steve?

As many of you know, my father taught me that men don’t change their minds, they change the world. And I believe that. I really do. I mean what other explanation could there be? The things I said on the campaign trail at the rallies weren’t wrong. Everyone saw the huge crowds I got. Nobody got crowds like Trump. And they all agreed with me. My positions were very popular. That’s why I won the election. They all said Trump had no path to victory. But they were wrong. The world changed.

I mean look at NATO. It was obsolete. Who even ever heard of NATO before I told everyone how obsolete it was? It was no League of Nations, that I can tell you. But now that I’m president, they’re no longer obsolete. Did they do something different? They must have. Otherwise, they’d still be obsolete. Maybe Angela Merkel paid that invoice I gave her when she tried to shake my hand. That figures. Men don’t pay invoices. My father taught me that, too. The world keeps changing, but Trump stays the same.

Then there’s the Export-Import Bank. Like I said on the campaign trail at the rallies where we got such huge crowds that all agreed with me, I don’t see a reason for it. It isn’t necessary. It’s got a lot of baggage. They must have heard me and seen those beautiful crowds because they suddenly started making money. Plus, all those executives from all those huge companies all told me that it was a good thing, so the world changed again. Amazing. Just, really incredible, that the whole world changes when Trump speaks. That’s just beautiful, let me tell you.

And what about China? They were world champion currency manipulators. You all heard me say it. Thousands of people, maybe even millions, heard me say it. I promised that my Treasury Secretary would label them a currency manipulator. I figured a Goldman Sachs guy would understand, right? I mean if anyone understands currency manipulation it’s a Goldman Sachs guy, right? Then I won the election in a historical landslide and China stopped manipulating its currency. The world changed.

Speaking of China, how great was that missile attack in Iraq? Or Syria? Or whichever place we dropped all those Tomahawks? There I was at Mar-a-Lago with President Jinping, or is it President Xi? Are the Chinese the ones that use the last name first? I can’t keep that straight and frankly, I find it ridiculous. Anyway, we both decided to screw our diets and split a piece of the Most Beautiful Chocolate Cake. (Note to Aaron: naming that dessert the Most Beautiful Chocolate Cake was a stroke of genius. I guarantee you the members are going to eat dozens if not millions of those cakes, let’s up the price to $40 a slice).

While I’m thinking about dessert, Jared, be sure and send Janet Yellen over at the Federal Reserve a muffin basket. Write on the card something like “I hope your interest in lemon poppyseed is higher than your federal reserve policies.” She’ll get what I mean.

I understand from Junior that my Raytheon stock is doing really well after we shot $100 million worth of inventory at . . . uh . . . I want to say Syria? Is that the one? Yeah, that’s the one. Maybe we should bomb Iraq too so I don’t make that mistake again.  Not that I made a mistake. But bombing Iraq would make what I said true retroactively. We need to make the changes we want to see in the world.

Hey, remember how everyone went crazy because I ordered my steak well done? I told everybody you need to really cook the hell out of your steaks because the kitchen at Mar-a-Lago’s a disaster. Seriously, Aaron, you’d think after doubling the membership fees to $200,000, you’d have enough in the budget to get the coolers fixed. Maybe we should charge $50 a slice for that cake.

Hey, Mad Dog, you weren’t kidding about that bomb we dropped on . . . uh . . . damn it I know this . . . Israel? No. Afghanistan.

Wow. That was a big mother. I’m told it was the biggest non-nuclear bomb ever to be dropped. A record! Congratulations, seriously. I bet it was also pretty expensive too. I think Hannity or somebody said it was $16 million. For a single bomb? It must have been covered in gold filigree. Did someone put my name on it? I bet that would have increased the value tremendously. I bet it looked beautiful as it fell, too, all covered in gold and glinting in the sun — a giant TRUMP painted on the side. I had Sheila in the Steno pool read me the casualty report. It says we got 36 ISIS fighters. So that means each of them was worth . . .

[tapping sound as Trump works an adding machine]

$444,444 — that’s got to be a record too, right? I mean those guys wouldn’t see that kind of money in 20 lifetimes, that I can tell you. Their world changed pretty damn quick, didn’t it?

Okay, so big Easter weekend coming up. Melania has agreed to go with me down to Mar-a-Lago if I promise she won’t get the runs again. Aaron, that’s on you. Man, do I need this vacation. All this world-changing would wear down a normal man. Fortunately, I thrive on it. But you know, there’s something niggling me in the back of my head. I had a scalp adjustment last week, so it probably isn’t that. No. Seems like there is something I’m supposed to do this weekend. Some big event? I read something about it. Something, something, highest-profile event at the White House all year?

Meh, It will come to me. Have a good long weekend everybody and let’s come back to the White House next week ready to change the world some more.

Trump out!