Operation Sketchbook: (The Trump/Nixon Tapes Part 7)

trump courtroom sketch

[What follows is a transcript of President Donald Trump speaking into the Oval Office recording device originally used by President Richard Nixon. This series of recordings encompass the president’s communication to his inner circle.]

To: The Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Majority Leader Mitch McConell

As all of you should know by now, I don’t watch CNN anymore. I think I made that clear to the AP when they were here this week. Where is it? Here: (sound of second tape recorder button clicking)

TRUMP: OK. The one thing I’ve learned to do that I never thought I had the ability to do. I don’t watch CNN anymore.

AP: You just said you did.

TRUMP: No. No, I, if I’m passing it, what did I just say (inaudible)?

AP: You just said —

TRUMP: Where? Where?

AP: Two minutes ago.

TRUMP: No, they treat me so badly. No, I just said that. No, I, what’d I say, I stopped watching them. But I don’t watch CNN anymore. I don’t watch MSNBC. I don’t watch it.

(recording ends)

So I was passing by CNN and noticed Sean was looking less fat. I was thinking that maybe we could put him back on camera, but then Steve pointed out that it was just a drawing by a CNN sketch artist. It was such a beautiful drawing I couldn’t get over it. So I got my own courtroom sketch artist. I like how honest he is about my hairline and number of chins. I’m thinking we just use this guy from now on: Operation Sketchbook. We can get him to draw me standing behind the podium and we’ll blow it up and stand it up there. The dishonest media can shout questions at it then go write their fake news.

Speaking of “fake news,” what about my big reveal on the Comey tapes? Pretty fantastic, right? Sean Hannity loved it. Wait. I’ve got that (button press)

SEAN HANNITY (HOST): I’m sorry, this was one of the most brilliant, strategic, doubt-inducing, mind-messing tweets in the history of mankind, because he basically said to Comey, “Well, if there’s tapes, you’re in trouble with the deep state,” it was also a nice shot at them. 

Ha ha ha. Oh and Fox and Friends thought it was pretty brilliant, too. I mean everybody is saying what a great Tweet it was. (click)

AINSLEY EARHARDT (CO-HOST): Big news today. You said you didn’t tape [former FBI Director] James Comey. Do you want to explain that? Why did you want him to believe you possibly did that? 

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Well I didn’t tape him. You never know what’s happening when you see that the Obama administration, and perhaps longer than that, was doing all of this unmasking and surveillance. And you read all about it and I’ve been reading about it for the last couple of months about the seriousness and horrible situation with surveillance all over the place. And you’ve been hearing the word “unmasking,” a word you probably never heard before. So you never know what’s out there, but I didn’t tape and I don’t have any tape and I didn’t tape. But, when he found out that there may be tapes out there, whether it’s governmental tapes or anything else, and who knows, I think his story may have changed. I mean, you’ll have to take a look at that because then he has to tell what actually took place at the events. And my story didn’t change. My story was always a straight story. My story was always the truth. But you’ll have to determine for yourself whether or not his story changed. But, I did not tape. 

EARHARDT: That was a smart way to make sure he stayed honest in those hearings. 

TRUMP: Well, it wasn’t very stupid, I can tell you that. He did admit that what I said was right. And if you look further back, before he heard about that, I think maybe he wasn’t admitting that, so, you’ll have to do a little investigative reporting to determine that. But, I don’t think it’ll be that hard.

See? The honesty is really striking, right? Why can’t they get that over at CNN? It’s a disaster over there. What did I ever do to Jake Tapper? I mean who cares, right? I never said I had tapes. I just waited for 41 days to say I didn’t have tapes. I’m busy. I got a lot of things on my plate. Sheila? What’s for lunch? No. I want one of those shark steak sandwiches like Jeff Bridges got in that movie where he was president. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not going to eat that. Get me a QPC from McDonald’s. Extra ketchup.

Okay. So what was I talking about? Sheila? Sheila? She’s gone already? Man, she moves fast. She’s a go-getter, Sheila. I mean she’s really going and getting, right? That’s the way it works.

You know, the more I look at that sketch of me, the more I like it this Operation Sketchbook. We should all just not appear on camera anymore. Jared gets the idea. He’s off solving the Middle East thing and nobody even knows what he sounds like because he can keep his mouth shut. Jared, you’ll have to tell me how you managed to talk a journalist from the AP into deleting photos of you from his camera. That must have been some talk.

Whoever is covering Jared’s muffin basket duty while he’s bringing an end to a centuries-old conflict this weekend should send Jared a muffin basket. Wait. Never mind. He’s done.

Will somebody bring me something else to sign? What is taking so long with that health care bill? Are the Democrats being obstructionists again? Just pass something so I can sign it and tell everybody how great your “mean son of a bitch” bill is.  Mitch, you fixed all that right? You told me to leave it to you and I said “Happy to do it” because one less thing for me to do, right? But you fixed it, right? I’m sure it’s okay. Here’s an idea! Must credit Trump!

Send it over, I’ll sign it before you vote on it. What about that, huh? Is that a great idea or what? I sign the bill before you bring it to a vote and you can say, “Look, it’s a done deal. The president has already signed it, so you need to get on the right side of this thing or you’re going to be left behind.” I think that would be beautiful. Can you imagine the look on Chuck Schumer’s face? [laughter]

But seriously, send me some legislation to sign. It is the best part of this job, showing off for the cameras and . . . hmmm. That’s . . . that’s tough . . . Guys, I’m not sure Operation Sketchbook is going to work out. Let me think about it. I’ll let you know something in two weeks.

I’ve been hitting the Russia thing pretty hard on Twitter. You know, I had no idea when I took this job that so many people would turn on you so quickly. I was just saying to Nixon’s ghost the other night. Nixon’s ghost is a good friend of mine, let me tell you. He’s the one who told me to tweet about the Comey tapes. “Keeps everybody honest,” he said. Ole Honest Nixon, they used to call him. Good times.

Anyway, I was telling Nixon’s ghost, “Look, it is nobody’s business who I call or when I call them or what we talk about when I call. Don’t give me “Presidential Records Act” this or “You can’t block people on Twitter” that.” The president deserves a little privacy to yell at his lawyers. Nixon’s ghost agreed with me, except for the Twitter part. He died in 1994. He doesn’t know what Twitter is. But I believe 90 percent of the ghost presidents living in the White House would agree with me. If not 95 percent.

So I don’t want to read in the paper about me making my morning calls to my lawyers to get all my Russia yelling out early in the day. That’s my “me time.” The dishonest media shouldn’t be writing about that, I don’t care if it is true.

So I’ve pivoted on the Russia thing, now that I’ve figured out how to blame it on Obama. I don’t know if you noticed because it was such a subtle shift in tone:

Now:

Amazing, right? It was such a subtle pivot that no one is going to notice my tacit admission that Putin stuck his thumb on the scale. Well, Sheila noticed, but she’s a real go-getter. I wonder when she’s going to be a come-bringer-er soon? I’m starving here.

So I’m thinking about firing Mueller. I know firing Comey didn’t work out exactly as Jared said it would. But this time I don’t have to be the one firing him. I can order Rosenstein to do it. Or whoever’s next in line if Rosenstein isn’t loyal. Have we fixed that yet? Find me a Bork and let’s get this Saturday Night Massacre on the road!

Mueller can’t investigate me if he’s best friends with Comey! He can’t use lawyers who have donated to Democrats! He can’t keep expanding his investigation to include money laundering and racketeering. I didn’t sign off on that and you guys know me, I’ll sign anything. He’s going after my general, my campaign manager, my consigliere, my Jared and now me? Putin told me I don’t have to put up with it. He said if it were him, he’d be making a pot of polonium tea for Mueller. That’s not really my style. Maybe some polonium Diet Coke? I’ll ask ghost Nixon. He knows how to handle these special prosecutors.

 

Muffin Basket Diplomacy [The Trump/Nixon Tapes, Part One]

giphyApril 5, 2017

To: the Trump Circle of Trust (TCT)

cc: Sean Spicer

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Are you on? Are we rolling? Really? Beautiful. Okay everybody clear out. Leave me alone with my thoughts.

[Mumurs of “Thank you, Mr. President” and inaudible dialogue]

Okay. So I had some of the tech guys in the secret basement hook up Dick Nixon’s old Oval Office recording device. They tell me one of the young women in the Steno pool will type it up and shoot everybody a memo.

Now. Why am I seeing these fake news stories about me “forgetting” to sign the Executive Order? I may not know what all them do, but I sign every one of them. I didn’t forget. I don’t forget things. I am not one who forgets.

I’m not signing these things in front of the cameras anymore. The dishonesty is just too much to take. It’s disrespectful, frankly. The things that some people did with the computers. I don’t know how they do it. But it’s all fake, right? It’s fake news, but they’re everywhere. No. I’m done with that. Ugh.

trump-draws

So many penises. Are we sure everyone knows I’m the president? Should we have some of those big money guys who want favors do an ad?

Of course, it could be worse. Did you see what they’re doing to Putin? He’s going to haaaate that. It’s disgusting. Make sure we send him a muffin basket or something.

Why am I still reading about this Cohen-Whatsit kid? Steve? Jared? He’s yours. You stood up for him when McMaster wanted him gone. That’s right. He’s the one that McMaster wanted to get rid of and you guys said I should tell him to “pound sand?” Is that something soldiers tell each other to do? Pound sand?

I don’t know. McMaster didn’t want him and you guys said we had to keep him. What does that kid do over there that’s so important anyway?

Wait, Jared isn’t here. Where is Jared? He seems to be gone a lot.  Was his Illuminati induction this weekend? I was going to put him in charge of something else just to watch him make that face again. Jared? I’m putting you in charge of muffin baskets. Send yourself one.

Steve? You’re out at the National Security Council. A) You wanted it too much and I don’t do “needy” and 2) I only put you on the Security Council to keep an eye on Flynn. Jared can handle it without you. I mean what are you going to do, quit?

Speaking of Flynn, Why didn’t somebody tell me that Flynn was the Russian mole? Why do I have to read about it in the paper?

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Since you’re not so busy Steve, you hit this Susan Rice thing your boy found for me. This is a big story. They said “unprecedented” on “Fox and Friends.” I at-ted the FBI on the tweet so they’re in the loop on this. The Times is going to ask about this. I’m going to go with “big story that the fake news won’t cover” and when they ask for more information, I’ll just tell them I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve got a good feeling about this one, everybody. Republicans haaaate her. Anyone who figures a way to hook Loretta Lynch into this gets a case of Trump steaks and five items from my drawer full of tiny soaps, shampoos, lotions, and conditioners.

Okay, moving on. Katie Walsh. I’m not sure who you are, but Steve says you’re the leaker. Not cool! No, I’m kidding. I’m sure you’re a nice person. But you’ve got to go so we can get the Trump Train back on track perception wise. You understand. I put Jared in charge of getting you some lovely parting gifts.

She was Rience’s girl, right? Rience? Firstly, I’ve left instructions with the Steno pool to never spell your name correctly in these transcripts. Never going to happen. Get a name people can pronounce and we’ll talk. Personally, I think you look a like a “Joey.”

Secondly, I want to know who leaked that I am considering resigning. Thirdly, I’ve got no problem waterboarding you or any of the staff to find how who is actually leaking.

Let’s see. I gave the Freedom Caucus the ole Twitter gut check. Beautiful, right?

Somebody send Paul a muffin basket with a card that says: Thanks for the assist. Using the Democrats to threaten the Freedom Caucus was surprisingly . . . uh . . . on the team? I don’t know. It’s so hard to care where Paul’s concerned.

Someone want to explain the timing here? Niki over at the UN tells everybody that we’re not going to oust Assad and then suddenly he’s got chemical weapons and using them on civilians? How am I supposed to feel about this? I mean the pictures are horrible. The whole thing is a disaster. He crossed just so many lines. But Assad is a tough leader. Putin won’t shut up about the guy. I told the people at the rallies where we had such huge crowds. I mean nobody gets crowds like we do. But I told them you have to be tough with these guys. You’ve got to take out their families, right? I took a lot of heat for that. They said I was advocating a war crime. I didn’t think so. Now Little Marco is bebopping and scatting all over me. I thought you guys said this was Obama’s fault? I know Spicy said it.

Somebody might have told me I signed a bill that the whole country hates. What was that about? Who knew people liked to keep their internet privacy private? I don’t use computers. I use Twitter and I’m giving that away for free. I swear to you that if I have to start reading every damn thing I sign, I’m cracking skulls.

Don junior? I need to withdraw a few thousand from the Trump Organization profits to pay for some muffin baskets. Jared, use my guy over at my hotel. Tell him it’s for me and he’ll jack up the invoice.

Well that’s it, everyone, I guess. How do you turn this damn thing off?

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]